Drunk Driving Is Actually Kind Of Fun (From the album “Yelling Freebird! At Funerals”)

Drunk driving is actually kind of fun
and it's much easier if you think of it more
as a video game than as reality
It makes it easier to focus
when you're really plastered.

Here's a few tips to safely and smartly drive drunk

Number one, stay out of the burbs
The cops there have nothing else to do
DWI checkpoints and idle policemen inhabit the suburbs
City cops have plenty else to do besides worry
about some drunk guy driving across ten blocks to go home
So stay in the city, or in the rural backroads.

Number two, know your car
Find a spot ahead of time to wedge your elbow against the door
If a cop starts tailing you
an elbow propped against the door
can help you drive straight.

Number three
Do not EVER
Drive other drunks home
Why? Because people are assholes
And drunk people are bigger assholes
They will jump around in the car
they will yell out the window and harass girls
they will drink while you drive
like it or not
And this attracts the police

And remember
Breath mints, not gum
Keep your windows defrosted and defogged
Keep your brights off
No cell phone usage
And If you smoke
smoke plenty

And remember
there's usually someone much more drunk
than you out there
Odds are he'll probably get nabbed, not you